In fact, the solution below proves something slightly stronger: that there is no partial computable function with the desired property! If you only want to prove the weaker result, then things are easier: since $f$ needs to be total you can do away with [Thing Three], since you know a priori that [Thing One] will eventually happen.
By the recursion theorem, we can construct an $e$ such that $\varphi_e$ has the behavior, $$\mbox{"Wait until $f(e)$ [does Thing One], then [do Thing Two]; until then, keep [doing Thing Three]."}$$ This is generally how we use the recursion theorem in this kind of argument. Now:
Thing One is usually the same in every construction like this. When you have a partial recursive function on some input, what do you usually wait for it to do?
Thing Two is where the action is. Suppose $f(e)$ did Thing One. What should $\varphi_e$ do to "win"?
Thing Three should be something that you can do "for free," i.e., a lot of Thing Three happening doesn't get in the way of doing thing two. In particular:
In order for $f$ to care about $\varphi_e$, what sort of function does $\varphi_e$ need to be?
OK, so Thing Three will involve deciding bits of $\varphi_e$ - at stage $n$, $\varphi_e(n)$ will converge. What should it converge to if $f(e)$ hasn't done Thing One? (HINT: we care about the size of the function $\varphi_e$ is a characteristic function for, so what kind of output is "noncommittal" in this regard?)
Now put it all together. Based on the behavior of $\varphi_e$, why does $f$ need to do Thing One? (If it doesn't, then $\varphi_e$ does Thing Three forever . . .) And, why does $\varphi_e$ doing Thing Two mean $f$ fails to do its job?